else $studname = $_COOKIE[‘studentname’];
if (!isset($_GET[‘a’])) {
$_SESSION[‘score’] = array(0,0);
$_SESSION[‘donezo’] = array();[/php][php function=15] walked into the class late and found the guru sitting alone. the guru said, “you made it to the kwiz! everyone else skipped.”
he handed [php function=14] a scroll and waved toward a meditation pillow.
try to think up an excuse, fail, and then take the kwiz.[php]}
else {
if ($_GET[‘a’] == 0) {
$questions = array
(
array(
“who presided over the tortoises’ marriage?”,
127,
“the guru”,
“the Goddess”,
“another tortoise”,
“the moon”
),
array(
“what did the rock at the bottom of the lake conclude?”,
94,
“that nothing existed”,
“that it was bored”,
“a long speech”,
“nothing, but it procluded a lot.”
),
array(
“can you ever step in the same river twice?”,
53,
“yes, if you do it really quickly”,
“no”,
“sometimes”,
“only if you use both feet”
),
array(
“of the following, which is best?”,
4,
“a nice bite of lettuce”,
“the Goddess”,
“nothing”,
“something”
),
array(
“in what way is love like a flower?”,
7,
“i don’t know”,
“it lives and dies”,
“both are pure”,
“it isn’t”
),
array(
“what is the sound of one hand clapping?”,
9,
“swish, swish”,
“this cannot be known”,
“the soundless sound”,
“a regular clap, but half as loud”
),
array(
“what are the two things that the guru believes?”,
15,
“himself and that he believes in himself”,
“truth and that truth is beauty”,
“lies and falsehoods”,
“black and white”
),
array(
“why is everything the tortoise says true?”,
16,
“because he says so”,
“because his shell senses falsehood”,
“because lettuce is great”,
“trick question”
),
array(
“what is the greatest thing you can say to your lover?”,
17,
“i’m sorry”,
“i love you”,
“you’re very pretty”,
“you are #zen”
),
array(
“what does the tortoise think the afterlife is?”,
20,
“an all-you-can-eat lettuce buffet”,
“you float on clouds and see all of your loved ones again”,
“he and his tortoise share a shell”,
“24/7 dance party”
),
array(
“are all of the guru’s teachings true?”,
26,
“all of them but this one”,
“yes”,
“no”,
“they are all half-truths”
),
array(
“how many times should you forgive a man?”,
27,
“it depends on the situation”,
“never”,
“seven times”,
“seven times seventy-seven times”
),
array(
“when the guru raced the tortoise, who won?”,
28,
“the guru”,
“the tortoise”,
“it was a tie”,
“the tyger”
),
array(
“which came first, the chicken or the egg?”,
31,
“neither”,
“the chicken”,
“the egg”,
“both”
),
array(
“when the guru was on trial, who did he call as his witness?”,
37,
“everyone he had ever met”,
“the tortoise”,
“the Goddess”,
“the moon”
),
array(
“why did the oracle say that the guru was the wisest in the land?”,
39,
“because the oracle was a fraud”,
“because the guru knew that he knew nothing”,
“to mess with the guru”,
“because why not?”
),
array(
“what did the guru order for his last meal?”,
42,
“hemlock”,
“lettuce”,
“a yellow-curry sandwich”,
“sunflower seeds”
),
array(
“is every koan interesting?”,
48,
“yes”,
“no”,
“maybe”,
“what does it mean to be interesting?”
),
array(
“when a student fled to avoid his meditations, who did he run into?”,
51,
“the guru”,
“the tortoise”,
“the Goddess”,
“the moon”
),
array(
“what is the meaning of life?”,
52,
“the quality of being alive”,
“to practice #zen”,
“hard work and sacrifice”,
“eating as much lettuce as you can”
),
array(
“what can you be certain is real?”,
57,
“people you owe money”,
“truth and #zen”,
“yourself, because you think”,
“the Goddess”
),
array(
“what is the guru’s favorite holiday?”,
61,
“april fools”,
“#zenmas”,
“his birthday”,
“the Goddess’s birthday”
),
array(
“for how many days must you fast to become a guru?”,
64,
“40”,
“0”,
“10”,
“77”
),
array(
“why don’t people know the story of how the guru became #zenlightened?”,
65,
“because he isn’t a self-promoter”,
“because he isn’t #zenlightened”,
“because it’s long and boring”,
“because he can’t remember it”
),
array(
“what one thing did all one-hundred sunflowers see?”,
82,
“the sun”,
“that life is hard”,
“their own reflection”,
“the guru”
),
array(
“what was the first bite to eat that the tortoise refused?”,
84,
“the sunflower”,
“a piece of rotten lettuce”,
“the guru’s hand, as it was feeding him”,
“this has never happened”
),
array(
“who is the sunflower’s best friend?”,
85,
“the moon”,
“the guru”,
“the tyger”,
“the tortoise”
),
array(
“when the guru re-raced the tortoise, who did the tortoise bet on?”,
86,
“the guru”,
“himself”,
“he bet on a tie”,
“tortoises never bet”
),
array(
“once, the banker thought the guru looked like he was at total peace. what was he actually looking at?”,
88,
“a rock”,
“the guru at war”,
“the reflection of himself in the lake”,
“a vision”
),
array(
“what is the tortoise’s advice for dealing with regret?”,
90,
“just keep chewing”,
“take a walk”,
“forget your regrets”,
“tortoise meditation”
),
array(
“when the guru returned to the lake he remembered as being beautiful, how did it actually look?”,
91,
“even more beautiful”,
“bad”,
“covered in algae”,
“like whatever it was reflecting”
),
array(
“how does the sunflower feel about clouds?”,
96,
“she loves them”,
“she hates them because they block the sun”,
“she thinks that they are okay”,
“she likes the shapes they make”
),
array(
“what did the banker offer to use the guru’s song in an advertisement?”,
99,
“ten-thousand ducats”,
“nothing”,
“total debt forgiveness”,
“five unconditional favors”
),
array(
“what did the guru recommend in his class on making easy money?”,
101,
“advertise a class on making easy money”,
“invest in the guru’s philosophy school”,
“work hard and smart”,
“start an all-you-can-eat lettuce buffet”
),
array(
“what is the guru’s romantic advice?”,
108,
“follow your heart”,
“romance is for tortoises”,
“become a student at his school”,
“meditate on #zen”
),
array(
“why does the guru contradict himself?”,
111,
“so that his students have to make up their own minds”,
“because he can’t remember what he said”,
“because contradictions are #zen”,
“the guru never contradicts himself”
),
array(
“what did the guru say when he was asked to say something funny?”,
112,
“a duck walks into a butcher’s shop…”,
“nothing”,
“that if you join his school, you will attain #zenlightenment”,
“that the tortoise hated lettuce”
),
array(
“how did the banker interpret the guru’s koan on usury?”,
113,
“as a warning not to take koans seriously”,
“as a condemnation of his professional”,
“as a personal insult”,
“as an articulate critique of society”
),
array(
“why did the guru wish he could fly?”,
116,
“so that he could wing it”,
“to see the whole world”,
“to soar with the Goddess”,
“to throw things at the tortoise”
),
array(
“when the guru planned to fast in the desert, who most strongly opposed it?”,
120,
“the banker”,
“the Goddess”,
“the tortoise”,
“his students”
),
array(
“what did the guru find on the first day of his desert fast?”,
121,
“sand”,
“some interesting rocks”,
“peace”,
“that it was really hard to fast”
),
array(
“on which day of the guru’s fast did he find peace?”,
121,
“he never did”,
“the first”,
“the seventh”,
“the fortieth”
),
array(
“for how many days did the guru plan to fast in the desert?”,
120,
“40”,
“0”,
“10”,
“77”
),
array(
“when the guru fasted in the desert, bread fell from the sky. who was throwing it down to him?”,
123,
“the banker”,
“the Goddess”,
“the moon”,
“breadbirds”
),
array(
“the tortoise loved another tortoise so much he wished that they could do what?”,
126,
“share a shell”,
“eat some lettuce”,
“get married”,
“smooch a bunch”
),
array(
“what tip did the tortoises give the guru when he officiated their wedding?”,
127,
“an entire head of lettuce”,
“forty ducats”,
“nothing”,
“to slow it down”
),
array(
“when the tortoise’s tortoise had second thoughts about their marriage, what were they?”,
128,
“the same as her first thoughts”,
“that they had made a huge mistake”,
“that she loved lettuce more than him”,
“that she wanted a divorce”
),
array(
“how much does the tortoise love his tortoise?”,
130,
“as much as he loves lettuce”,
“as much as the guru loves truth”,
“as much as the sunflower loves the sun”,
“he doesn’t and is married to her for the tax break”
),
array(
“when the guru asked the Goddess how he had changed the world, how did she reply?”,
138,
“she didn’t”,
“that he hadn’t”,
“improved fire-safety regulations”,
“that he had done so through #zen”
),
array(
“when the guru was sick, he asked the tortoise to take that day’s koan to school. how long did the tortoise take to arrive with the koan?”,
140,
“three years”,
“he never arrived”,
“five days”,
“just a few seconds”
),
array(
“how did the tortoise suggest the guru put an end to the criticism of him?”,
152,
“stop teaching”,
“bribing his critics”,
“smiling more”,
“change everything”
),
array(
“when the guru meditated for five hours, what revelation did he have?”,
153,
“that he was five hours late for work”,
“that #zen was a lie”,
“he had no revelation”,
“that the Goddess was a liar”
),
array(
“what was the tortoises’ least favorite part of their vacation?”,
161,
“going home”,
“running out of lettuce”,
“missing the guru”,
“incorrect”
),
array(
“which lesson did the Goddess commend the guru for teaching?”,
169,
“the virtue of foolishness”,
“#zen”,
“to worship the Goddess”,
“that all teachings were false”
),
array(
“why did the banker foreclose on the guru’s school?”,
170,
“because the guru missed his payments”,
“because he hated the guru”,
“because the Goddess told him to”,
“pure greed”
),
array(
“why did the tortoise refuse to loan the guru money?”,
172,
“because he thought he was asking for lettuce”,
“because he didn’t want his friend to be in debt to him”,
“pure greed”,
“because he had no money to loan”
),
array(
“what makes a person who they are?”,
191,
“how they walk their path”,
“which path they walk”,
“where their path is headed”,
“the Goddess”
),
array(
“how did the guru first escape the tyger?”,
200,
“by telling him a long story”,
“by beating him in a fistfight”,
“he never did”,
“hiding out on the moon”
),
array(
“to promote his book, what did the guru claim it contained?”,
201,
“the meaning of life”,
“a recipe for yellow curry sandwiches”,
“thousands of ducats”,
“a bunch of sudoku”
),
array(
“why is no one sad in the place beyond the far forest?”,
211,
“because no one lives there”,
“everyone is #zenlightened”,
“they have lots of lettuce”,
“because that’s not a real place”
),
array(
“why this world?”,
212,
“why that question?”,
“why not?”,
“because”,
“why what world?”
),
array(
“which of the following qualities of the sunflower did the tyger not admire?”,
213,
“her cuteness”,
“her sense of purpose”,
“her tireless resolve”,
“her total focus”
),
array(
“what did the guru find the abandoned house in the far forest?”,
214,
“that it was a dream”,
“the horrifying truth of existence”,
“a bunch of ducats”,
“the tortoise’s secret stash of lettuce”
),
array(
“what was the question that only the oracle could answer?”,
223,
“how do you feel, oracle?”,
“what does the future bring?”,
“why does the tortoise like lettuce?”,
“what existed before the Goddess?”
),
array(
“what is the problem with koans?”,
232,
“they’re often self-referential and lack an intelligible message”,
“they’re all made up”,
“they take too much time to study”,
“they are protected by copyright”
),
array(
“what questions will the guru answer simply?”,
242,
“the ones that are not asked”,
“the simple ones”,
“none of them”,
“the good ones”
),
array(
“what were the guru’s resolutions for the new year?”,
253,
“not to make false promises”,
“to meditate daily”,
“to write more koans”,
“to expand his school”
),
array(
“what is the sunflower’s twitter account?”,
256,
“@koansunflower”,
“she isn’t on twitter”,
“@thesunisnumberone”,
“@sunshineisbetterthanmoonshine”
),
array(
“what is the sunflower’s one rule?”,
258,
“never speak ill of the sun”,
“do not kill”,
“party all day, every day”,
“smile”
),
array(
“when the sunflower was in a flower shop, who purchased her?”,
260,
“the tortoise”,
“the guru”,
“the Goddess”,
“the banker”
)
);
$whichquest = array_rand($questions);
while (in_array ($whichquest, $_SESSION[‘donezo’])) {
$whichquest = array_rand($questions);
}
$_SESSION[‘donezo’][] = $whichquest;
$_SESSION[‘answer’] = $questions[$whichquest][2];
$_SESSION[‘sourcekoan’] = $questions[$whichquest][1];
$newlist = array($questions[$whichquest][2], $questions[$whichquest][3], $questions[$whichquest][4], $questions[$whichquest][5]);
shuffle($newlist);
echo “
“.$questions[$whichquest][0].”
“;
echo ““.$newlist[0].”
“.$newlist[1].”
“.$newlist[2].”
“.$newlist[3].”“;
for ($i = 0; $i < 4; $i++) {
$questcount = ($i + 1);
if ($_SESSION['answer'] == $newlist[$i]) $_SESSION['rightanswer'] = $questcount;
}
}
else {
$_SESSION['score'][1]++;
if ($_GET['a'] == 5) {
if ($_SESSION['score'][0] == 0) $evaluation = "you got zero questions correct. out of ten. wow. that's perfect. truly, you are #zen.";
if ($_SESSION['score'][0] == 1) $evaluation = "you got one question correct. out of ten. next time you take the test, you should just guess randomly.";
if ($_SESSION['score'][0] == 2) $evaluation = "two out of ten. that's horrible. you really need to study the koans.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 3) $evaluation = “you got three questions out of ten correct. this makes me want to quit teaching.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 4) $evaluation = “four out of ten. that’s not so bad. it’s not that good. but it’s not so bad.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 5) $evaluation = “five out of ten! congratulations. you are just as right as you are wrong.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 6) $evaluation = “six out of ten. technically, failure. but better than a lot of people.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 7) $evaluation = “seven is a perfect number. getting seven questions out of ten isn’t perfect. but the number is good!”;
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 8) $evaluation = “eight. wow. you should retake the test and try to actually get a good score. like nine or ten.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 9) $evaluation = “nine out of ten. missing one question like that must really irritate you.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 10) $evaluation = “you did perfect. you must be very #zen. but don’t let that go to your head. i’m still the guru here.”;
echo “
you walk up to the front of the class and hand your kwiz to the guru.
he looks it over, marks on it with a quill, and then says, \””.$evaluation.”\”
“;[/php]
share your score on facebook.
share your score on twitter.
[php]if ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 10) {
$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “a perfect score”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “blue”;
[/php]
[php function=13]
[php]} elseif ($_SESSION[‘score’][0] == 0) {
$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “a sort of perfect score”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “red”;
[/php]
[php function=13]
[php]
}
[/php]
[php]} else {
if ($_SESSION[‘score’][1] >= 10) $linkquote = “turn in the kwiz to be graded.“;
else $linkquote = “next question“;
if ($_GET[‘a’] == $_SESSION[‘rightanswer’]) {
$_SESSION[‘score’][0]++;
echo “
“.$studname.” was pretty sure that was correct because of koan “.$_SESSION[‘sourcekoan’].”.
there were “.(10-$_SESSION[‘score’][1]).” more questions.
“.$linkquote;
}
else {
echo “
“.$studname.” didn’t think that was right. the correct answer was probably \””.$_SESSION[‘answer’].”,\”, at least according to koan “.$_SESSION[‘sourcekoan’].”
there were “.(10-$_SESSION[‘score’][1]).” more questions.
“.$linkquote;
}
}
}
}
[/php]
