280. koan village 2: the all-you-can-eat lettuce buffet

if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] < 9) {[/php] the guru had a reservation for the all-you-can-eat lettuce buffet, but it was not until later. right now, he was still asleep.
[php]} else { // end the pro-tracker
if (!isset($_REQUEST[‘buf’])) { [/php]
the guru walked into an all-you-can-eat lettuce buffet. he tried to turn around, but the door had vanished behind him. he looked around for a well-marked exit, but he could not see one.

he did see the Goddess, sitting all alone in the important person section.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘ips’) { // the important person section [/php]
the guru walked over to the Goddess, but before he could reach her, he reached a red velvet rope. a maître d’ approached the guru and said, “excuse me, sir, but you’ll have to sit in the regular section.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘reg’) { // the regular section
$_SESSION[‘lettuce’] = 0;[/php]
the guru slouched over to the regular person section and sat in a regular person seat.

in front of him was an empty plate. he looked over at the lettuce buffet and glanced in the direction of the maître d’.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘let’) { // the lettuce buffet [/php]
the guru approached the lettuce buffet with his empty plate.

he piled some lettuce onto his plate and then walked back to his table.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘mai’) { // table [/php]
the guru approached the maître d’, who stared at him like the banker looks at a loss.

“yes?” the maître d’ asked.

the guru said, “the password is


[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘pas’) { // password
$ipaddy = $_SERVER[‘REMOTE_ADDR’];
$ipaddy = str_replace(“.”, “”, $ipaddy);
$medcall = ($ipaddy+1)%7;
if ($medcall == 0) $spiritsong = “om”;
if ($medcall == 1) $spiritsong = “ka”;
if ($medcall == 2) $spiritsong = “qi”;
if ($medcall == 3) $spiritsong = “lu”;
if ($medcall == 4) $spiritsong = “eb”;
if ($medcall == 5) $spiritsong = “ty”;
if ($medcall == 6) $spiritsong = “po”;
if ($spiritsong == $_POST[‘password’]) {
if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] < 10) setcookie("protracker", 10, $cooltime, "/", ".koanoftheday.com");[/php] the maître d' raised an eyebrow and said, "that's absolutely correct, sir. the exit is over there." the maître d' gestured toward a wall. the guru glanced at the wall and saw that there was a door that had not been there before. above the door was a bright sign which read, "exit.”
[php]} else {[/php]
the maître d’ said, “i’m sorry, sir. but that’s not the password.”

and he left him alone in the regular person section. the guru called after the maître d’ or walked to the buffet.
[php]}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘tab’) { // table
$_SESSION[‘lettuce’] = 0;[/php]
the guru sat at his table and ate all the lettuce he had.

then he back over at the buffet and glanced at the maître d’.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘pil’) { // pile lettuce
echo “

if ($_SESSION[‘lettuce’] == 0) echo “the guru piled some lettuce on his plate.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘lettuce’] == 1) echo “the guru piled some more lettuce on his plate.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘lettuce’] == 2) echo “the guru piled a ridiculous amount of lettuce on his plate.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘lettuce’] == 3) echo “the guru piled an almost offensive quantity of lettuce onto his now completely covered plate.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘lettuce’] == 4) echo “the maître d’ shot the guru a dirty look while the guru piled more lettuce onto his plate.”;
if ($_SESSION[‘lettuce’] == 5) echo “the guru piled the last of the lettuce onto his plate.

the maître d’ signalled the kitchen, and someone brought out a new bowl of fresh lettuce.”;
echo “


if ($_SESSION[‘lettuce’] < 5) echo "then he piled some more, and then he went back to his table.”;
else echo “then the guru went back to his table.”;
} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘ta2’) { // return to the table again [/php]
while the guru was walking back to his table with a huge plate of lettuce, he saw several important persons leaving the important person section. this was his chance.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘buf’] == ‘ip2’) { // important person section sneak [/php]
the guru ducked into the important person section and sat down at the Goddess’s table.

[php]$attach = $_COOKIE[‘attach’];
if (strpos($attach,”a game for cats”) == false) {[/php]
the Goddess was too immersed in a game she was playing on her napkin to pay attention to the guru. he waited patiently, but the maître d’ tapped him on the shoulder and said, “excuse me, sir, but you’ll have to return to the regular person section.”
[php]} else {[/php]
the Goddess looked up at the guru and said, “i was waiting for you.”

the guru said, “i know.”

the Goddess said, “do you know where we are?”

the guru said, “we’re in an all-you-can-eat lettuce buffet.”

the Goddess said, “we are in the tortoise’s afterlife. do you know why i am here?”

the guru nodded.

the Goddess said, “then you know you are responsible.”

the guru nodded again.

the Goddess said, “my power wanes in this place. soon it will be extinguished, and they will make me sit in the regular person section. soon after that, the world will unravel. and since the world is the tortoise’s mind, his mind will unravel.”

the guru said, “will he be okay?”

the Goddess said, “no, absolutely not.”

the guru said, “what can we do?”

the Goddess said, “the tortoise must go to sleep. that will end the dream, and he will awake.”

the guru said, “what about us?”

the Goddess said, “when the tortoise awakes, we will all cease to exist.”

the guru swallowed.

the Goddess said, “but if he doesn’t, he will die.”

the guru said, “can you send me back to the village?”

the Goddess nodded. “but not easily. it will require a password. a password from the before-death.”

the guru asked, “what is the password?”

the Goddess said, “i do not know. i am too weak here. but if another guru meditates on your spiritual sound, the password will occur to them. your spiritual sound is [php]
$ipaddy = $_SERVER[‘REMOTE_ADDR’];
$ipaddy = str_replace(“.”, “”, $ipaddy);
$medcall = ($ipaddy%7);
if ($medcall == 0) echo “om”;
if ($medcall == 1) echo “ka”;
if ($medcall == 2) echo “qi”;
if ($medcall == 3) echo “lu”;
if ($medcall == 4) echo “eb”;
if ($medcall == 5) echo “ty”;
if ($medcall == 6) echo “po”;
[/php]. when you get someone to meditate upon it, tell the answer to the maître d’.”

the guru nodded. then he stood up and walked back to the regular person section.
[php]} // end the attach checker
} // end the buf switcher
} // end the pro-tracker bracket[/php]