koan village 2: the guru’s school

[php]$isurprise = “book”.$_SESSION[‘secbook’];
if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 6) { [/php]
the guru could not investigate his school, because he was in jail.
[php]} elseif ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 9) { [/php]
the guru could not investigate his school because he was currently eating at the all-you-can-eat lettuce buffet.
[php]} elseif (!isset($_REQUEST[‘p’])) { // if nothing is mentioned [/php]

the guru sat at his desk. in front of him was a diagram of the village. beside that sat a sunflower in a water-filled vase. against the wall was a bookshelf.

across the room was an open door.

[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘out’) { // outside [/php]
the guru looked up at his beautiful school. it truly was amazing. he could either walk go inside, around to the back, or head to the village square.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘lib’) { // outside
$adjwords = Array(“mindful”, “#zen”, “#zen”, “mindful”, “simple”, “easy”, “difficulty worded”, “beautiful”, “unnecessarily esoteric”, “pretty decent”, “understandably uninteresting”, “ironic”, “really ironic”, “Goddess-approved”, “epistemological”, “sociological”, “philosophical”, “delicious”, “lawyerly”, “confusing”, “long-winded”, “necessary”, “meditative”, “free”, “qi-raising”);
$nounwords = Array(“paths”, “ways”, “lessons”, “kōans”, “thoughts”, “ideas”, “lessons”, “parables”, “kōans”, “kōans”, “stories”, “suggestions”, “prayers”, “mantras”, “secrets”);
$prepositions = Array(” in the matter of”, ” about”, ” considering “, ” generally related to”, “:”, ” in regards to”, ” which are essential for”);
$finalnouns = Array(“being a good guru”, “worshipping the Goddess”, “understanding #zen”, “success”, “making friends”, “#zen”, “the Goddess”, “all gurus”);
$addendums = Array(” that every guru should read”, ” that will help you teach #zen”, “: back in print for the first time”, “: an essential collection”, “: the collected wisdom of the ages”);
$i = 0;
$isurprise = rand(100,175);
$_SESSION[‘secbook’] = $isurprise;
echo “the guru stood in front of his bookshelf. it was crammed full of leather-bound volumes: “;
while ($i < 250) { $i++; $theoneadj = $adjwords[array_rand($adjwords)]; $preposition = $prepositions[array_rand($prepositions)]; $theonenoun = $nounwords[array_rand($nounwords)]; $theonefinal = $finalnouns[array_rand($finalnouns)]; $checkran = rand(1,10); if ($checkran < 4) $onenum = ""; else $onenum = rand(2,17); if ($checkran == 7) $addendum = $addendums[array_rand($addendums)]; else $addendum = ""; if ($isurprise == $i) echo "1 path to #zen, “;
echo ““.$onenum.” “.$theoneadj.” “.$theonenoun.$preposition.” “.$theonefinal.$addendum.”, “;
echo “among many others.”;

the guru returned to his desk.

[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == $isurprise) { // passageway book [/php]
the guru pulled “1 path to #zen” off the bookshelf and the shelf opened up, revealing a secret door behind it.

the guru walked through the secret door.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘sec’) { // secret room [/php]
the guru stepped inside a secret room. it was his personal archive. hundreds of scrolls were stacked from the floor to the ceiling. far too many to read.

but a few seemed important, and the guru glanced over those:

the guru read these and then returned to his office.
[php]} elseif (substr($_REQUEST[‘p’],0,4) == “book”) { // all other books [/php]
the guru picked up that book and examined it. it seemed pretty good, but he didn’t have time to read it now.

he set it down.

[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘bac’) { // outside [/php]
the guru walked around to the back of his school and saw that someone had written graffiti all down the side.

it read: “none of this is real!”

the guru resented that. his debt to the banker was a testament to the reality of his school. he made a mental note to clean off the graffiti and then walked back around to the front.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘sun’) { // if we’re looking at the sunflower
$attach = $_COOKIE[‘attach’];
if (strpos($attach,”a bag of fertilizer”) == false) {
the guru looked at the sunflower on his desk.

she smiled back at him.

“how are you doing, sunflower?” he asked.

“i’m bored,” the sunflower replied.

“me too,” the guru said.

he was referring to their conversation.

the guru looked back at the documents on his desk and then at his bookshelf and then at the door across the room.
[php]} else {[/php]
the guru held up the fertilizer he got from the banker, and the sunflower beamed.

“yay!” she cried out.

he poured the fertilizer into her pot.

[php]$_SESSION[‘delitem’] = “a bag of fertilizer”;
$_SESSION[‘delcolor’] = “brown”;
$_SESSION[‘delurl’] = “https://koanoftheday.com/village2/”;[/php]

[php function=17]

in return, the sunflower offered him a ray of sunshine.

[php]$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “a ray of sunshine”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “yellow”;

[php function=13]

“great,” he thought. “what am i going to do with this?”

the guru glanced at the documents on his desk, then over to his bookshelf, and then out the hallway.
[php]}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘ha2’) { // if we step into hallway2[/php]
the guru stepped into the hallway. as usual, there were no students. he might have borrowed too much money from the banker to build this place.

his office was at one end of the hallway. several empty classrooms opened off of the hallway.

[php]if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 0) { // if you haven’t spoken with mrs tortoise[/php]
on the other end, the guru heard sobbing coming from the stairwell.
[php]} else {[/php]
on the other end was a stairwell.
[php]}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘sta’) { // if we step into the stairwell[/php]
the guru walked down the stairwell. his feet would have echoed on the marble steps, except he had covered them with expensive plush carpet. this place definitely cost too much.

[php]if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 0) { // if you haven’t spoken with mrs tortoise[/php]now, all he could hear was the soft sobbing, which came from the downstairs hallway.[php]} else {[/php]he stepped out into the downstairs hallway.
[php]}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘st2’) { // if we step into the stairwell[/php]
the guru walked up the stairs. he almost slipped on the plush carpet, it was so plush and expensive.

but he made it to the top.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘ha1’) { // downstairs hallway[/php]
the guru stepped into the downstairs hallway of his school. at one end of the stood a large wooden door, closed and locked. maybe that’s why no students were here.

at the other end was the stairwell leading upstairs.

a side door lead to the guru’s favorite place, his meditation room.

[php]if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 0) { // if you haven’t spoken with mrs tortoise[/php]the sobs were coming from the courtyard.[php]} else {[/php]sunlight poured in from the courtyard.
[php]}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘med’) { // meditation room[/php]
the guru stepped into his meditation room, his peace place, his quiet quarters. in the corner of the room sat a meditation pillow. outside was the hallway.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘mep’) { // meditating[/php]
the guru sat on his meditation pillow, closed his eyes, and meditated about


[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘mea’) { // meditation answer
$ipaddy = $_SERVER[‘REMOTE_ADDR’];
$ipaddy = str_replace(“.”, “”, $ipaddy);
$medcall = ($ipaddy%7);
if ($medcall == 0) $spiritsong = “om”;
if ($medcall == 1) $spiritsong = “ka”;
if ($medcall == 2) $spiritsong = “qi”;
if ($medcall == 3) $spiritsong = “lu”;
if ($medcall == 4) $spiritsong = “eb”;
if ($medcall == 5) $spiritsong = “ty”;
if ($medcall == 6) $spiritsong = “po”;
if ($spiritsong == $_POST[‘meditate’]) {[/php]
the guru could not meditate on [php]echo $_POST[‘meditate’];[/php], because it was his own spiritual song.

did he meditate on something else or leave the room?
[php]} else {
$question = $_POST[‘meditate’];
$question = htmlspecialchars($question, ENT_QUOTES, ‘UTF-8’);
$question = strtolower($question);
if ($question == “om”) $answer = “ka”;
elseif ($question == “ka”) $answer = “qi”;
elseif ($question == “qi”) $answer = “lu”;
elseif ($question == “lu”) $answer = “eb”;
elseif ($question == “eb”) $answer = “ty”;
elseif ($question == “ty”) $answer = “po”;
elseif ($question == “po”) $answer = “om”;
else $answer = “ap”;
echo “

the guru meditated on “.$question.” until he received an answer from the universe. the answer was “.$answer.”. that seemed like gibberish.

the guru was either going to return to the hallway or meditate some more.

}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘doc’) { // looking at the documents[/php]
the guru looked at the diagram of the village on his desk. it was beautifully drawn in a fine black-and-white style. beside it, the guru had scrawled 6 numbers: 275, 276, 277, 278, 279, 280.

this was very important.

he couldn’t decided whether he should talk to the sunflower, go to his bookshelf, or walk out the door.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘cou’) { // in the courtyard
if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 0) { // if you haven’t spoken with her yet[/php]
the guru stepped into the courtyard. it was expensive and beautiful and beautiful because it was expensive. there was a peaceful fountain and relaxation pond, a bunch of bushy green bushes, and a crying tortoise.

the guru realized that he hadn’t paid for a crying tortoise at about the same time he recognized her. it was mrs. tortoise, the wife of his best friend.

“what’s wrong, tortoise?” the guru asked.

“it’s the tortoise!” she bawled. “he’s gone!”

“where did he go?” the guru asked.

“he didn’t go anywhere! something horrible happened. and i know this because he left his lettuce behind.”

the guru knew that must be serious, so he offered to help.
[php]} elseif ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] < 10) { // if you've already spoken to the tortoise [/php] the guru stepped into the courtyard. it was just as he remembered it: a peaceful fountain and relaxation pond, a bunch of bushy green bushes, and the incredibly depressed mrs. tortoise.

[php]$attach = $_COOKIE[‘attach’];
if (strpos($attach,”a head of lettuce”) == false) echo ‘he considered leaving the courtyard.’;
else echo ‘he considered offering the tortoise some lettuce or leaving the courtyard.’;
} else {
if (strpos($attach,”mrs tortoise”) == false) {[/php]
the guru stepped into the courtyard. mrs tortoise sat there, so depressed. the guru explained everything to her.

she said, “you must take me to him.”

[php]$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “mrs tortoise”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “green”;

[php function=13]

the guru returned to the village.
[php]} else {[/php]
the guru stepped into an empty courtyard. he needed nothing from here anymore. so he returned to the hallway.
[php]}}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘hel’) { // offer to help
$cooltime = time() + 3600 * 24 * 365;
if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 0) setcookie(“protracker”, 1, $cooltime, “/”, “.koanoftheday.com”);[/php]
the guru offered to help the tortoise.

she said, “really?”

the guru said, “yes.”

“not like all those times you promise to help your students attain #zen.”

the guru said that it wasn’t like that.

“okay, good.”

the guru asked, “where should i start?”

the tortoise said, “the last time i saw him was last night, as we drifted to sleep in our rock nest.”

the guru promised the tortoise he would solve this mystery, and he left the courtyard.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘moo’) { // talk to the moon[/php]
the guru called up to the moon, “moon!”

the moon said, “guru!”
[php]$attach = $_COOKIE[‘attach’];
if (strpos($attach,”a ray of sunshine”) == false) {[/php]

the guru realized he didn’t really have anything to say to the moon, and he went back down to the courtyard.

[php]} else {[/php]

then, the moon asked, “hey, guru, do you happen to have any rays of sunshine? i could sure use a bit of a tan right now.”

the guru said that he did, and he offered it to the moon.

[php]$_SESSION[‘delitem’] = “a ray of sunshine”;
$_SESSION[‘delcolor’] = “yellow”;
$_SESSION[‘delurl’] = “https://koanoftheday.com/village2/school/”;[/php]

[php function=17]

[php]$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “moondust”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “blue”;

[php function=13]

the guru thanked the moon for the moondust because at least it was a tangible object, and he went down to the stairs to the courtyard.
[php]}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘bus’) { // bushy passageway[/php]
the guru pushed aside the bushy green bushes and found a stairwell leading up.

“oh yeah,” the guru thought, “i remember this.”

he traveled up the stairs until he stepped into the inside of a clock.

peeking through the gears, he could see the moon, hanging low above the village. he wanted to talk to him.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘tow’) { // top of the tower [/php]

[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘col’) { // lettuce exchange[/php]
the guru offered the tortoise his head of lettuce.

[php]$_SESSION[‘delitem’] = “a head of lettuce”;
$_SESSION[‘delcolor’] = “green”;
$_SESSION[‘delurl’] = “https://koanoftheday.com/village2/”;[/php]
[php function=17]

she accepted it and handed the guru a used tissue in return.

[php]$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “a used tissue”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “blue”;
[php function=13]

the guru accepted this gift, not knowing what else to do.

he could now either return to the village or stay in the courtyard.

[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘cla’) { // in a classroom[/php]
the guru stepped into an empty classroom. the chalkboard said, “the #zen that is not shared is not the true #zen.

the guru thought that was a nice idea. then he had another nice idea: look through the students’ desks.

should he violate their privacy or be a good guru and go back into the hallway?
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘pri’) { // violate their privacy[/php]
the guru looked to make sure none of his students were coming.

then, he tip-toed over to a desk.

he hesitated and considered the fact that the moral thing to do would be to leave right now and return to the hallway. so he left, or maybe he didn’t.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘pr2’) { // really violate it[/php]
the guru opened the desk of each and every student in the class, violating their privacy and destroying his personal dignity.

and every single desk was empty.

the only thing he found inside any desk was that someone had carved “iamzen” into the wood. he sighed and returned to the hallway.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘doo’) { // the door[/php]
the door had a lock on it. six dials that could be spun to any letter of the alphabet. the guru thought that maybe this was why there weren’t any students.

[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘che’) { // check the lock
if (($_POST[‘dial1’] == ‘i’) and ($_POST[‘dial2’] == ‘a’) and ($_POST[‘dial3’] == ‘m’) and ($_POST[‘dial4’] == ‘z’) and ($_POST[‘dial5’] == ‘e’) and ($_POST[‘dial6’] == ‘n’)) { // if the password is right
if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 1) {
setcookie(“protracker”, 2, $cooltime, “/”, “.koanoftheday.com”);[/php]
the guru opened the door and stepped outside.
[php]} else { // if the password is wrong [/php]
the door unlocked, but the guru decided not to go through it. he needed to investigate that sobbing in the courtyard first.
[php]}} else { // if the password is wrong [/php]
the guru tried that combination and it did not work.

he considered trying again or just walking through the halls.

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