koan village 2: the village square

$randcheck = rand(1,5);
if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] < 2) { // if you haven't unlocked the door, you can't visit the village[/php] the guru said, "some kōans are more difficult than others. some require concentrated effort, study, and the help of others. this is such a kōan. it begins with me waking up in my office. how it ends is up to you." begin.
[php]} elseif ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 6) { [/php]
the guru could not investigate the village, because he was in jail.
[php]} elseif ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] == 9) { [/php]
the guru could not walk around the village because he was currently eating at the all-you-can-eat lettuce buffet.
[php]} else {
if (!isset($_REQUEST[‘p’])) { // if there’s no specification[/php]
[php] if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] != 10) echo “

the village. what a great place. it was better than any other village because it was real. the people here were authentic people.

“; else echo “

the village seemed hazy to the guru. ill-defined. he knew he had to get to the tortoise quickly, or something bad would happen.


the guru knew the village like he knew #zen, so he knew that the village was divided into three major sections: the commercial district, the housing huts, and the government block, which had been built around the temple of the Goddess.

on the outskirts of the village, a trail lead into the woods.

and of course he could always return to his school.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘tem’) { // the temple of the Goddess[/php]
the guru walked into the temple of the Goddess. it was always cold and dark in here, and the guru wondered why the Goddess was so against heat and light when she claimed to have invented them both.

he thought about sitting in a pew, praying at the altar, or going back outside.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘con’) { // to be continued…[/php]
the guru found himself in a predicament. he had written an elaborate text-based game, but when it came time to finally release it, he realized that it was not complete.

so, halfway through the game, he added a “to be continued,” surely alienating anyone who made it far enough to reach it. so he wrote a quick apology, explaining the situation in a semi-figurative context, and shoved it rudely into the middle of his game.

and he gave the people who discovered it a rare attachment.

[php]$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “an apology”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “blue”;
[php function=13]
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘pew’) { // sit in a pew[/php]
the guru sat down at a pew. it was hard and cold and therefore very uncomfortable. before the guru could leave, a priestess began to speak about the Goddess. the guru wanted to leave, but he thought it would be awkward, so he listened to the entire thing.

he thought, “is this how my students feel?”

when the priestess was done, the guru was overjoyed. now he could either pray at the altar or go back outside.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘pra’) { // pray at the altar[/php]
the guru went up to pray at the altar.

when he was done, he waited patiently for a response.


“and you wonder why people don’t believe in you,” the guru muttered. perhaps if he announced his supplication?

otherwise, he might as well leave.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘com’) { // commercial district[/php]
the guru gazed wearily upon the hustle and bustle of the business district. all of these people running around to make a living.

why couldn’t they just relax and contemplate #zen like the guru?

the guru thought about heading for the lawyer’s office or the bank.

he also thought about heading to the housing huts or the government block. or he could go back to the village square.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘law’) { // the lawyer’s office[/php]
the guru walked into the lawyer’s office, and the lawyer looked up from paperwork on his desk. “what?” he asked. “you were expecting a receptionist?”

the guru said, “i’m looking for the tortoise. have you seen him?”

the lawyer asked, “who are you suing?”

the guru said, “nobody.”

the lawyer asked, “do you have any evidence you could use to sue somebody?”

[php] $attach = $_COOKIE[‘attach’];
if (strpos($attach,”a used tissue”) == false) { [/php]
the guru said, “no.”

the lawyer went back to his paperwork.

the guru walked outside.
[php]} else {[/php]
the guru said, “maybe? what about this used tissue?”

the lawyer’s eyes lit up. “intentional infliction of emotional distress! ooh, this is good.”

he took the used tissue from the guru.

[php]$_SESSION[‘delitem’] = “a used tissue”;
$_SESSION[‘delcolor’] = “blue”;
$_SESSION[‘delurl’] = “https://koanoftheday.com/village2/school/”;[/php]
[php function=17]

[php]$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “an iou”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “grey”;
[php function=13]

the guru felt he should leave.

[php]}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘ban’) { // the bank
$attach = $_COOKIE[‘attach’];
if (strpos($attach,”a wallet”) == false) { // if the guru doesn’t have a wallet
the moment the guru walked in, a teller shouted at him: “get out of here! you don’t even have a wallet!”

the guru ran out of the bank.
[php]} else { // and then if you do[/php]
the guru walked into the bank waving his wallet in the air. immediately, a teller ran up to help him, “can we talk you into depositing those ducats? or better yet, would you like more ducats? we’re giving them away at the low, low interest rate of 19%.”

the guru thought about either depositing his money, or taking out a loan.
[php]} // closing out the wallet
} elseif (($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘dep’) or ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘loa’)) { [/php]
the guru decided to do some banking, but just as he did, the banker appeared from the back and shouted, “no! we don’t want your money! you’re nothing but trouble.”

[php]$attach = $_COOKIE[‘attach’];
if (strpos($attach,”an iou”) == false) { } else {[/php]
the guru said, “what about this iou from the lawyer?”

the banker’s eyes lit up. “debt?! i’m always in the market for debt.”

the guru asked, “how much?”

the banker said, “look, i don’t even know what this is for. but i’ll offer you a bag of fertilizer for it.”

the guru agreed.

[php]$_SESSION[‘delitem’] = “an iou”;
$_SESSION[‘delcolor’] = “grey”;
$_SESSION[‘delurl’] = “https://koanoftheday.com/village2/”;[/php]

[php function=17]

[php]$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “a bag of fertilizer”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “brown”;

[php function=13]

so the guru left.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘hou’) { // housing huts[/php]
the huts were of various shapes and sizes. the guru’s own hut was somewhere around here, as was the tortoise’s nest.

the guru could also return to the village square.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘nes’) { // the tortoise’s nest[/php]
yep, mrs. tortoise was right: her husband had left his lettuce sitting in the nest. there was also a small sign next to the lettuce that read,

“if you steal this lettuce, you will not escape our vengeance. wherever you go, we will find and destroy you. – the tortoises”

the guru took a head of lettuce, or did he return to the village square?
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘own’) { // the guru’s own hut[/php]

the guru stood in his own home. he looked at himself in the mirror. [php]if (!isset($_COOKIE[‘zenType’])) echo ‘he he wondered who he looked like.’; else echo “he looked like the “.$_COOKIE[‘zenType’].”. it was a special kind of mirror.”;[/php]

the guru thought, “maybe instead of doggedly pursuing this case, i should take a nap.”

either that, or go back outside.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘let’) { // take some lettuce[/php]
the guru bent down and snagged some lettuce from the tortoises’ stash.

maybe this would come in handy. maybe the guru would eat it.

[php]$_SESSION[‘newitem’] = “a head of lettuce”;
$_SESSION[‘zencolor’] = “green”;
[php function=13]

either way, he could now return to the housing huts or go back to the village square.

[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘nap’) { // take a nap[/php]
[php]if ($randcheck == 1) { [/php]
the guru took a nap.

and while he was napping, he had a dream.

in his dream, the tortoise was looking for him. he looked all around the village and down at the lake and even into the deep dark woods, where he finally found the guru, but the guru had a terrible secret to tell the tortoise, and that was–

click here to reveal the tortoise’s secret.
[php]} elseif ($randcheck == 2) { [/php]
the guru tried to go to sleep, but he couldn’t. he tossed and turned and worried. and then, suddenly, out of nowhere, a tyger attacked him! and he flew up into the air and shouted words of #zen, words that held power that anyone who could pronounce them could wield, and these words were–

click here to discover what the guru said.
[php]} elseif ($randcheck == 3) { [/php]
the guru went to sleep and dreamed he was a sunflower. he stared at the sun so long he woke up.
[php]} elseif ($randcheck == 4) { [/php]
the guru had a dream of an entire village. with tons of villages, all going about their business, not knowing that if the guru were to awake, they would all be doomed.

click here to wake up.
[php]} else { [/php]
while the guru slept, the Goddess came to him in a dream.

she said, “guru, you must wake up. there is a lot of work to do.”

or maybe it was just a dream the Goddess had.

anyway, hours later, he woke up.
[php]} // get out of the dream randomizer
} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘na2’) { // take a nap[/php]
the guru woke up from a dream, which he had completely forgotten.

he was in his hut. should he go outside or take another nap?
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘gov’) { // government block[/php]
the guru walked nervously through the government block. last time he had been here, he had been in chains.

this was the main reason he did not want to go into the courthouse or the jail, though he didn’t mind the village hall. even the temple of the Goddess was looking good now.

but he really wouldn’t mind heading for the housing huts or the commercial district. or back to the village square.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘cou’) { // the courthouse [/php]
the guru stepped up to the courthouse nervously.

he tried to open the doors, but they were locked. there was a sign that read, “available only by appointment or arrest.”

the guru did not want to do either of these, so he returned to the government block.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘hal’) { // the village hall[/php]
the guru looked around the village hall. while his school was certainly opulent, it was nothing on this place. the bureaucrat was even better at getting people’s money than the banker. it probably had something to do with the jail next door.

the guru thought about either looking into the archives, walking around the building, or leaving.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘wal’) { // walking around the hall [/php]
the guru walked around the village hall. he heard some villagers whispering to each other, and he listened in on what they were saying:

“what do you mean you can’t get into the archives?” one of them said.

“not just me! nobody has gotten into the archives in years,” said the other.

“how come?”

“because nobody knows the passcode!”

the guru thought about heading down to the archives or leaving the hall.
[php]} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘arc’) { // the archives
if (!isset($_REQUEST[‘passcode’])) {[/php]
the guru went down to the archives. there was a lock on the door.

[php]} else {
$i = 0;
$totalpass = “”;
while ($i < 65) { $totalpass = $totalpass.$_REQUEST['passcode'][$i]; $i++; } if ($totalpass == "361114171819202122232427303538414243444546474851545962") { if ($_COOKIE['protracker'] < 5) setcookie("protracker", 5, $cooltime, "/", ".koanoftheday.com"); [/php] the guru tried the lock, and the door opened. he stepped inside the archives.
[php]} else {[/php]
that combination did not work.

the guru tried again or left the archives.
[php]}}} elseif ($_REQUEST[‘p’] == ‘jai’) { // the jail
if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] < 5) { [/php] the guru walked up to the jail. this place gave him serious déjà vu, which he did not appreciate, because the vu had been from inside a jail cell. it was an experience he did not wish to repeat, so he scurried back to the government block.
[php]} else {
if ($_COOKIE[‘protracker’] < 6) setcookie("protracker", 6, $cooltime, "/", ".koanoftheday.com");[/php] the guru was back in jail. this time, it wasn't for his philosophy, but trespassing. the lawyer came and visited him and told him it was bad. "if it was for your philosophy again, you could just recant. but you can't trespass." the guru said, "do you have any advice?" the lawyer said, "develop a taste for hemlock." he left the guru alone in his cell. the guru thought of only one thing: escape.
[php]} // closing the protracker for jail
} // closing the choices
} // closing the protracker box

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