[php]
if (!isset($_POST[‘reply’])) {
if ($_SESSION[‘vault’] == 1) {
[/php]
the guru stepped inside the bank. the banker said, “you want to go into the vault? right this way!”
[php]
}
else {
[/php]
the guru stepped inside the bank. the banker approached and asked, “how can i help you?”
[php]
}
}
else {
[/php]
the banker says, “[php]
$reply = strtolower($_POST[‘reply’]);
if ((strpos($reply,”open a savings account”) !== false) or (strpos($reply,”open a checking account”) !== false) or (strpos($reply,”open an account”) !== false) or (strpos($reply,”open account”) !== false) or (strpos($reply,”create account”) !== false) or (strpos($reply,”get account”) !== false) or (strpos($reply,”get an account”) !== false)) {
[/php]you want to open an account?! beautiful!”
the banker goes and gets a stack of forms. “you’ll need to fill these out.”
[php]
}
else {
if (strpos($reply,”let me in the vault”) !== false) echo “only account holders are allowed in the vault.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”loan”) !== false) echo “your credit is so low i won’t even talk about a loan with you.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”i am an account holder”) !== false) echo “no, you’re not.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”i have an account”) !== false) echo “no, you do not.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”goddess”) !== false) echo “i don’t know anything about any Goddesses!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”help me”) !== false) echo “i want to help you with any banking issues.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”account holders”) !== false) echo “i cannot divulge any information about the account holders other than that they are very intelligent investors.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”meaning of life”) !== false) echo “if somebody asks you for the meaning of life, just ramble on and on for a bit and they’ll probably nod and agree with you.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”the tortoise”) !== false) echo “i am not allowed to discuss account holders.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”the sunflower”) !== false) echo “i am not allowed to discuss account holders.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”i have a gun”) !== false) echo “i have a bank.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”i’ve got a gun”) !== false) echo “i’ve got a bank.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”i have a knife”) !== false) echo “don’t stab me.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”mountain”) !== false) echo “i’ve always wanted to go to that mountain, but it’s too far away.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”lake”) !== false) echo “the lake is for people too lazy to work.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”scrolls”) !== false) echo “scrolls? i hate reading.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”not just a banker”) !== false) echo “i am, though. i’m just a banker.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”password”) !== false) echo “the boxes in the vault each require a password.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”inside the vault”) !== false) echo “only members are allowed inside the vault.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”where am i”) !== false) echo “you’re in the bank”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”give me all your money”) !== false) echo “i hate robbers!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”i want money”) !== false) echo “i didn’t get to be rich by handing out money.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”in the vault”) !== false) echo “only members are allowed in the vault.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”complaint”) !== false) echo “i don’t want to hear any complaints.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”supervisor”) !== false) echo “i am the only one here.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”manager”) !== false) echo “i am the manager!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”is this a bank”) !== false) echo “yes, this is a bank.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”withdrawal”) !== false) echo “you can’t withdraw money if you don’t have an account!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”need money”) !== false) echo “everybody needs money.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”bow to your master”) !== false) echo “i bow to no one.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”and no one gets hurt”) !== false) echo “no robberies! i hate robberies!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”poop”) !== false) echo “poop?!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”re a banker”) !== false) echo “yes, that’s correct. i’m a banker.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”what day is today”) !== false) echo “today is today.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”what day is it”) !== false) echo “what day is what?”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”hands in the air”) !== false) echo “don’t rob me! no! all the money is in the vault and you can’t get in!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”friend of the sun”) !== false) echo “good for you. everybody knows the sun.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”sing”) !== false) echo “i love music!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”guitar”) !== false) echo “my dad played guitar. he was also a banker”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”why am i here”) !== false) echo “why is anything here?”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”give me money”) !== false) echo “you have to earn money!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”guru”) !== false) echo “look, in here you’re just a man.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”turtle”) !== false) echo “you mean the tortoise?”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”danc”) !== false) echo “when i dance i feel the beat in my feet.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”dyke”) !== false) echo “don’t be a bigot.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”fag”) !== false) echo “don’t be a bigot.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”stupid”) !== false) echo “don’t call people stupid.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”kill myself.”) !== false) echo “you have a lot to live for. like monthly payments.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”suicide”) !== false) echo “make a list of five things you enjoy.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”drugs”) !== false) echo “don’t do drugs.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”weed”) !== false) echo “like dandelions and sunflowers?”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”marijuana”) !== false) echo “i once knew a girl named mary jane.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”sleep”) !== false) echo “when i’m at work, i’m awake.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”love you”) !== false) echo “sorry, i’m married.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”m sorry”) !== false) echo “you don’t need to apologize.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”apologize”) !== false) echo “you don’t need to apologize.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”other issues”) !== false) echo “i only talk banking”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”shoot”) !== false) echo “if you shoot, you’ll never get into the vault!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”ducats”) !== false) echo “we have lots of ducats. do you?”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”more than”) !== false) echo “no, less.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”great banker”) !== false) echo “thank you! i am a great banker.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”i don’t know what to say”) !== false) echo “you too?”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”say something”) !== false) echo “something!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”sunflower”) !== false) echo “it’s not polite to discuss account holders.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”koan”) !== false) echo “i’m a practical man, not a philosopher.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”meaning”) !== false) echo “i don’t talk epistemology. just banking.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”bob’s burgers”) !== false) echo “i love that show!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”bodhi”) !== false) echo “if only i could loan bodhi. i’d make a fortune in ducats!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”hate you”) !== false) echo “hate me? but i love you.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”re stupid”) !== false) echo “i graduate first in my glass in banking school.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”fuck”) !== false) echo “hey! they’ll be no cursing in my bank.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”shit”) !== false) echo “hey! they’ll be no cursing in my bank.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”cunt”) !== false) echo “hey! they’ll be no cursing in my bank.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”douche”) !== false) echo “hey! they’ll be no cursing in my bank.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”stick em up”) !== false) echo “you can’t get the money without going into the vault and you can’t get in the vault unless you’re a member, so you’re out of luck, bandito.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”what do i say”) !== false) echo “say whatever you want”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”should i say”) !== false) echo “i can’t tell you what to say.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”who is a member here”) !== false) echo “a bunch of people.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”moon”) !== false) echo “i can’t comment on account holders”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”deposit money”) !== false) echo “only account holders can deposit money”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”give me your money”) !== false) echo “no, my money is inside the vault”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”rob”) !== false) echo “robbery?! not in this bank! all our money is in the vault.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”vault”) !== false) echo “i cannot say anything about the vault to someone who is not an account holder.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”apply for a job”) !== false) echo “i don’t need a guru working for me.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”are banks evil”) !== false) echo “banks aren’t evil! they’re great!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”thank you”) !== false) echo “you’re welcome.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”can i borrow”) !== false) echo “no, your credit score is too low.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”m unhappy”) !== false) echo “maybe a bank account would help!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”deposit”) !== false) echo “you can’t deposit money unless you have an account”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”what kind of banking issues”) !== false) echo “all kinds. deposits, withdrawals, loans, mortgages. all kinds.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”mortgage”) !== false) echo “mortgage? with your credit score?!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”credit score”) !== false) echo “your credit score is lower than the lowest possible number.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”deposit”) !== false) echo “you can only deposit money if you have an account.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”withdraw”) !== false) echo “only account holders can withdraw money!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”empty”) !== false) echo “empty? you’ve got nothing”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”check my balance”) !== false) echo “you don’t have an account.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”are you a banker”) !== false) echo “of course i’m a banker!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”s your name”) !== false) echo “look, are you here to chit-chat about names or to do some banking?”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”99″) !== false) echo “99% is the interest rate i charge young parents. they’re desperate!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”shylock”) !== false) echo “i’ll take that as a compliment.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”usur”) !== false) echo “i loan at the rate the market allows.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”exploit”) !== false) echo “yeah, and guru’s are really part of the proletariat.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”labor”) !== false) echo “laboring is hard work.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”capital”) !== false) echo “i’m not an academic. just a banker.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”do some banking”) !== false) echo “now that’s what i’m talking about!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”name of this bank”) !== false) echo “the bank”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”s this bank aclled”) !== false) echo “the bank”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”cash”) !== false) echo “i don’t have any ducats except in the vault.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”need a clue”) !== false) echo “i don’t have any clues.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”have a clue”) !== false) echo “i don’t have any clues.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”need a hint”) !== false) echo “i don’t have any hints.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”have a hint”) !== false) echo “i don’t have any hints.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”why”) !== false) echo “because!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”what kind of banking issues”) !== false) echo “what? that.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”when”) !== false) echo “when? now!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”where”) !== false) echo “either here or there.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”banker”) !== false) echo “banking is a noble profession.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”worse than siri”) !== false) echo “i resent that”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”siri”) !== false) echo “i love her!”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”account”) !== false) echo “there’s no one i love more than an account holder.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”frustrating”) !== false) echo “for you and me both.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”netflix”) !== false) echo “i’m more of a hulu man myself.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”money”) !== false) echo “all the ducats are in the vault”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”no”) !== false) echo “you’re very negative”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”bank”) !== false) echo “this bank is the oldest, the best, and the only bank in the village.”;
elseif (strpos($reply,”yes”) !== false) echo “so it’s true”;
else {
$response = rand(1,3);
if ($response == 1) echo “i don’t know what to say. i’m just a banker.”;
if ($response == 2) echo “look, all i really know about is banking.”;
if ($response == 3) echo “can i help you with any banking related issues?”;
}
[/php]”
[php]
}
}
[/php]
or leave the bank.